Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Man Handled

I just want to thank everyone for the amazing response from my last blog post (The Streets Are Not Safe) it's pretty obvious that you all love to hear about my bizarre experiences. I'm a magnet to them honestly. So I was racking my brain trying to think of an experience to blog about. Nothing was coming to mind though. Maybe it was because I had this, mistake, in my brain all day...

Friday, 18 October 2013


Incase you were wondering, I have not died. I've actually been going into the outside world. I even made a new friend! She's a little bit spaced out sometimes, but I like her, she's... friendly. You may recognise her from her iconic interview (If, not click here to watch it). I see her like every day now and she always gives me a wave and that smile... that smile.

She would be shocked to know that there's an EVEN bigger problem with road safety now. 'What is it?!' You might exclaim (Or not, you probably don't even care). Well brace yourselves, for you will have to start walking in the middle of the street as I'll be on the side walks because...


Bam. I know. I'm amazing. However, I'll be taking a hiatus from driving due to me quitting my driving school today, all because of this...

So about a month ago, after a year of procrastinating, I was finally ready to learn how to drive! So after asking around for a good driving instructor, I decided to go with... well, we'll call him Matlo for the sake of discretion. Everyone described Matlo as this middle aged driving instructor with years of experience as a driving instructor. Plus he was the cheapest around. So I signed up with him and payed my $150 provisional license fee and started driving with him the next week. And just like everyone said, he seemed really nice and funny.

So on my first lesson he made me drive at 3 miles per flipping hour! Most painful thing ever. At least he said my steering was really good, though quite frankly, I would have to be blind and have no control over my limbs to not be able to drive in a huge circle with my foot literally not even on the gas.

On my next lesson I got up to 5 miles per hour (woopie). Things were going fine until he made me abruptly pull over by the side of the the abandoned construction site that we were driving on. 'This is pretty normal' I thought to myself, 'He probably wants me to learn how to pull over in a high pressure situation or something'. But no. He didn't want to teach me in a high pressure situation. In stead he got out of the vehicle and urinated right there by the car. I, could hear, everything. Then he casually walks to the back of the vehicle, gets something from the trunk, then sits back inside in the passengers seat and offers me some orange slices. Flipping ORANGE SLICES. FRESHLY FLIPPING CUT ORANGE SLICES. AFTER YOU JUST PEED AND DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS. But being the polite fool that I am, I accepted and ate them (totz deelish by the way!).

So yeah that happened.

I met him at our usual place for our next lesson, only this time when I got in the vehicle I realized that there was some random rough looking guy in the back seat. I didn't ask any questions and Matlo never introduced him, nor did he speak to him, acted like he wasn't even there actually. So Matlo drives us to the Ministry of Transportation to pick up my permit (provisional license). After spending twenty minutes in there (all the while this creepy man in the back seat and I are awkwardly sitting there in silence) he comes out, gets back in the vehicle says that it wasn't ready, and drives off.

As we're driving away though, the guy in the back seat starts yelling at him in creole (our local language for my international readers). So Matlo pulls the vehicle over, and they both get out and the man really starts yelling and cursing him in creole. All the while I'm in the BLAZING hot sun with no way to shade myself. Five, ten, TWENTY minutes pass and they're still arguing by the side of the road! Now unfortunately I don't really understand creole but from what I picked up is that Matlo was trying to calm him down, but the strange man wanted his $600 that Matlo owed him, basically.

So after what seemed like an eternity they both got back in the vehicle, Matlo looked over at me and simply said 'So you won't be able to drive today, I have an.... appointment that I have to get to' NO APOLOGY. After I spend half an hour in the sun listening to them argue so violently I swore it almost got physical. How unprofessional can you get. Utter ridiculous.

For my next lesson he put me straight on the main road. Did I mention, before I met Matlo I had zero driving experience what so ever? Well he obviously had faith in me. Either that or he was drunk. OH! By the way, did I mention that HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC?!?!?!!!

My driving instructor... is... an alcoholic. That irony is so sweet it gave me diabetes.

Although having no actual experience with cars, I have however played free roaming racing games like need for speed and burnout paradise. Unlike most (all) people, all I used to do was pretend I was an average person in the game, and I would pretend to be constantly driving to work or home. Always abiding by the speed limits and traffic lights. I know I was a weird kid. So driving on the main road was no problem. The problem was that I had no real prior experience and Matlo was constantly on his phone!!! For the entire hour of the lesson! So we would be approaching a major intersection and traffic is just whizzing at astronomical speeds, and I have no idea what to do and he's just on his phone. I being too polite don't interrupt his phone call. So I basically just prepared myself to drive into my death, then Matlo is frantically telling me what to do while still trying to talk to the person on the phone at the same time.

But the icing on the cake was this week. I haven't driven for the entire week because his vehicle 'was down'. Okay. That's no problem. So he says it'll be ready the next day. Then the next day. Then the next day. Strike one, he's mucking me around. Then the next day he says he has his vehicle so come at 3pm. Go there at 3pm and he's not there. Call him and he says 'Oh he doesn't actually have the vehicle but he's just going to get it now. Strike two, he's lying. But yesterday I found out the truth. His vehicle wasn't 'down', in all actuality it had been repossessed for not paying his loans and insurance. Strike three and he's out.

So I phoned him today and said that I can't do this anymore and asked for my ID and permit back, which I have yet to see because everyday he says 'oh I'm going to pick it up later'. What obviously has happened is that he's used the $150 that he has to pay the government for my permit and spent it on booze, which means that I would of learnt how to drive without ever having a permit. But I better get my ID and permit back cause I am not paying another $150 for a new permit when I go to my new driving school. 

He better come up with my ID and permit, and if not then all the money I spent on my medicals, and registrations, all $300. Nothing less. And if I hear another sad story from him then he better just Icona Pop his car into a bridge cause I DON'T CARE!

Well thank you for reading that super long blog post! Sorry I just had a lot to get off my chest. Please sharelike and tweet it, and tell as many people about it as you can and I'll love you forever! Sign up to get an email subscription as to when a new article comes out, which will be on Wednesday when I review the film, GRAVITYPlease comment down below any horrible experiences that you have had while learning how to drive!

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